You know those moments in life when you feel God calling out to you and pulling you into Him. Yeah, those are the secret to life, let me tell you. Literally, those moments are when I know why I am here. They can happen when I see a homeless person in need and am able to bless them because I am blessed; while rocking my blueeyedbabies to sleep every night; having my husband come home safely from a long shift or bad call, or simply when I am alone and have only my prayer to keep me company.
Being a stay-at-home mom is by far the most difficult task I have been called to do, no doubt about it. And I will admit, sometimes I second guess my self and my abilities to do so well enough and toy with the idea of going back to work and letting someone ‘more qualified’ raise my blueeyedbabies. However, it’s in these moments of brokenness and humility that God draws me in and reminds me that.. this life, it’s not for me. It’s not for me to decide all on my own, it’s not for me to make life decisions simply because I don’t feel up to par that day, and it is not for me to say I am not a good mother or wife.
After my blueeyedbabygirl was born this last summer I experienced a deep darkness over my heart, one like I have never fought before. Honestly, opening up about it is well .. humbling and scary. There were times when I didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to shower, nurse her, or really even be alive anymore. I was not a very ‘comfy’ mommy to my blueeyedbabyboy who had just turned two; definitely was not someone you’d want to snuggle up to at times. The side effects it had on my children and my greeneyedgroom are what make me feel the worst.
Postpartum depression is not something that you can ready your self for, not something you can apologize for having and not something you can beat.. alone. I needed God so badly, so deeply – He is the only way I made it through. It was in those quiet moments throughout the day that I would hear Him calling me in saying, ‘just say thank you’ and ‘you ARE blessed.’
If you are living with this darkness please know that, God sees it. And He is but a breath away.. speak with Him.
I want to encourage you to just take a deep breath when you are starting to feel it come on, when you are feeling down or that you are going to react too strongly to something, or you just have a moment to your self, just.. speak with Him. Out loud.
Praise Him in this, too.
I would just look at her and say, ‘Thank you, God, for this sweet little girl,’ and throughout the day I would continue my conversation with God in asking for patience with my toddler, in having grace in dealing with my husband’s schedule and begging God to somehow, supernaturally just .. give me strength to get up and take a shower, to try.
When she was eight weeks she was diagnosed with meningitis and it was those days holding her tiny body in the hospital room and holding her while she was having a spinal tap, countless attempts on an IV, blood draws every day.. It just hit me.
I love her.
And in that I found my peace, that I was a good mom and that yes, she was sick and yes I could have easily internalized it and blamed my self for letting her get a cold and.. (PPD does strange things to your mind) I just realized that, I was enough. I really WAS what she needed.
My blueeyedbabygirl is ten months old now and there are some days when I feel like my temperament is off, however, I feel back to balanced most of the time. I am so much more aware of my actions when I am interacting with my toddler, sleep helps. There is no better mommy to be around than a well-rested mommy, temper-wise at least.
Today is day five of weaning my blueeyedbabygirl and I believe that is why this is so heavy on my heart to share. Those first few months were rough and for some reason, my milk supply never really was up to what she needed. She was starving.
This is by far one of the biggest pitfalls of my life so far, not being able to nurse her longer. I nursed our blueeyedbabyboy until he was almost two, so the mother’s guilt.. it’s real people. Just another thing to give over to God and ask for Him to show me how to work through it.
I want to encourage you to open up, ask for help, know the signs and just speak to Him. You are beyond fragile after giving birth and you know what, that’s ok. I am giving you permission to feel that, right now. Who am I, well no one, but oh well.. take it.
I give you permission to be fragile. To be in pain. To be scared. To need to be held. To need help. To be tired.
Just know, what you ultimately need (other than a hot shower and a strong cup of coffee) is God.
I dare you to need Him, deeply.. allow Him to fill every hole you feel in your heart and allow Him to erase every fear and worry away.
Cling to Christ as your child clings to you. Remember, they are just babies. All they know is you, your voice, your heartbeat.
Try to be patient with them, they literally know nothing but you. Breathe deeply. Ask for help.
Have you dealt with any depression after childbirth? What helped you to feel better?
Thank you lovelies! Jesus loves you!